Streetwise

Working in a support capacity for law enforcement, I often see and hear of incidents of regular citizens who really have no clue. These incidents range from a pitiful soul who allows his fortune teller to hold his $8,000 cash “just overnight” in order to summon the needed spirits to see the future, to the John Q Public who crosses the police perimeter to ask the officer for directions to the mall.

Having been so educated in common mistakes, I like to think of myself as more suave than these half-assed fools. I’d never actually been confronted with a situation that called upon my finely tuned threat-assessment skills. But regardless, untested strengths exist strongly in the minds of their owners until proven otherwise.

Today I was tested. Today I failed the test.

I wish I could say I had a good reason for my indiscretion. I’d like to say I had thought it out and made a sound decision in my course of action; that the urgency was greater than the risk. Hell… sleepwalking would be an acceptable excuse. But the truth is, I was running a little late, I needed to pick up my kids, and the only way to get to my parked car was to cross the officer’s line of fire.

Now mind you, there wasn’t actually any fire taking place, in fact the probability of such a dire turn of events was slim. But shamefully, my gamble isn’t made any less idiotic simply because I was accidentally right.

Leaving work, I was ready to cross the Street when I heard yelling. “SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!” I looked over and saw the officer propped against his squad car’s door, his arm extending his weapon at the car he’d just pulled over. As I observed this, I also saw a window open in traffic that would allow my crossing. I knew it was a bad idea to cross… I knew I should simply walk back and go into the office and call the sitter. I also knew that waiting could take a really long time while the backup units responded to the scene… not to mention losing my window of traffic (It’s a very busy street!). So I proceeded to cross. The officer called out to me amongst his commands to the suspect “SIR, PLEASE STAY CLEAR!” In compromise, I picked up my pace and jogged across the street so that I might be in his way for less time.

I’m an intelligent guy. Yet I’m not so intelligent that I’m one of those geniuses who can quote quantum physics but can’t remember how to tie his shoes. I believe that I have attained a decent balance between intellect and common sense (I’m modest too!)… So what gives?

In the end, I realize I’m not one of the half-assed fools who ignorantly throw themselves in harms way. I’m actually much worse. I’m a complete moron who makes an educated and pre-meditated decision to disregard danger to save himself an hour. And worse, my mistake compromised the officer’s control of the situation, even if just for a moment.

Me, I’m fully assed.