It’s agonizing enough just sitting through a 2 hour telephone conference pertaining to the interfacing of 4 databases in order to marry together criminal justice data with accounting processes; but then to throw in an insufferable know-it-all with horrible visual-aides… There’s no doubt in my mind, if I go to hell when I die, that meeting is where I’ll be sent until my purgatory is complete.

For some unknown reason, the vocations of accountants and IT professionals attract some of the strangest people in our society. I say this having tried my hat in both professions.

Accountants tend towards anti-social and obsessive-compulsive types. I’ll never forget sharing an office for a full year with Keith and Margaret (names have been changed to protect the innocent… and the guilty). Keith was a strange little man in his 30’s with bushy brown hair and bright blue eyes that made him look like a 5 year old. He was amiable enough until you tried changing the radio station from the oldies or borrowing something from his desk. He once chased a bic pen of his through the entire building, questioning everyone who had been in our office that day and threatening to transfer the funds from our budget account to theirs if they didn’t return the pen. Margaret, on the other hand, was a fearsome middle-aged woman who dressed like Bea Arthur and ruled her cost sheets with an iron fist. Everyone hid from her, she was not to be trifled with.

IT professionals on the other hand attract all manner of interesting personalities. My prime examples include Seth and Barbara. Seth, a not-unsympathetic character with earrings and a stutter, once emailed a group of us when his web-interface finally passed inspection, exclaiming that he was so excited that he nearly “creamed his shorts!”

Now, contrary to how I might come across at times, I’m not a prude. I tend to interact with others in a sense of propriety, simply because I’m not very confident in social situations, and it’s a comfort to have structure with which to guide myself. But I certainly don’t expect it of others, and I would be quite bored if everyone behaved this way. In actuality, almost nothing offends me, I both laugh at and make inappropriate jokes like everyone else. Nevertheless, I was shocked at Seth’s cluelessness of what might be offensive to some… particularly in a professional setting.

But while Seth might be ignorant of what is appropriate at work, I much prefer his company to that of Barbara. Barbara is the aforementioned “know-it-all”, who truly seems to believe that she is the sharpest tool in the shed, and attempts to take the lead in every project in which she is involved. She delights in making declarations and setting goals which really aren’t her decisions to make. She’s very frustrating for me.

As a general rule, it’s best to avoid being in the same room both with IT personnel and accountants. But it’s not always feasible to do so (actually, I AM an IT person, so it’s near impossible to get around this). And here I was in this meeting, surrounded by both.

I knew things were headed downhill when, an hour before our meeting, Barbara emailed the group of us a flow chart she had written.

(I’m not sure how well this will display on the blog, and to top it off, I blurred out most of the verbiage, but hopefully it will show well enough that you can see how amazingly BAD it is!)

The chart was a nightmare! There is no starting point… how can you do a “Flow Chart” without a starting point? Arrows going back and forth among objects… utter chaos. Nevertheless, Barbara was certain that this would set focus for the meeting. She kept referring to it during the meeting. “You see where the red arrow does the loop-de-loop to the blue circle? THAT’S what I’m talking about!”

I sat through the meeting staring at this chart, mystified by the sheer failure in which Barbara was so confident. She really had no clue! It was like watching the “American Idol” tryouts, with those leagues of toneless kids who really think they have talent. I imagined Barbara trying out for “American Graphics”…

Paula: You’re not ready yet, but keep at it! Don’t give up, someday you’ll get a sense of perspective!

Simon (rolling his eyes at Paula): Who are you kidding?!? This is totally useless! This chart needs to be taken out and shot! Don’t ever, EVER, try graphing again! Not so much as a pie chart!

I’m ashamed to say, that I spent a good deal of the meeting trying to decide which witty insult I could interject the next time Barbara referred to her chart. You can really only do one, more than that is just bullying. I was trying to decide between “Isn’t this JFK’s “Magic Bullet” theory?” and “Hey! If you blur your eyes just right, you can see a hidden picture!” But in the end, I said nothing, I’m just not that eager to publicly embarrass someone.

And then, as I was staring down at it, I began to see it as more than just a clumsy accumulation of random arrows and nonsensical objects. Out of the chaos arose a work of art. Not a lack of perspective, but a challenge to our general perceptions. And it occurred to me that I’ve seen it’s like before…