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Attention all inventors who think you’re so clever, finding new ways of making people jump through hoops to get their hands dry:
This is simply the best model of paper towel dispenser ever created:
This is it. There’s no need for wiring, it can be hung anywhere. There’s no time delay, the paper comes out as fast as the user can pull it, and people only touch the paper which they will use. You need not create any further ridiculous inventions involving motion detectors, body heat sensors, and/or moisture indicators. Your pathetic insistence on coming up with new ideas for this simple tool hurts you as much as it does us.
You’re welcome to work on the aesthetics of this model if you so choose. It already comes in a variety of colors and shapes, but interior designers are always wont for more choices. But the simple, non motorized, pull-action dispenser is crucial to it’s design, and cannot be molested.
That’s right, technological perfection in towel dispensary was reached some 20 years ago. Now don’t you feel silly? There’s no denying that there was definitely room for improvement back then, we were stuck with levers 
and tiny little cranks
. It would be nice to believe that humanity has evolved enough that after having washed their hands, it would be hygienic enough to touch towel extraction mechanisms, but what with all the Hepatitis A and Norwalk virus still going around, it’s suspect that small bits of undesirable matter were still left on these surfaces. This is the same reason I can’t object to your fucking around with motion sensitive water taps and auto flushing mechanisms (though these could sure use some fine-tuning).
And let’s face it, the alternatives:
the air dryers…
and the cloth towel dispensers…
…were always a total pain in the ass.
But please, no more of ingenuity on this front. No one wants to have to do the Hokey-Fucking-Pokey to get 5 square inches of towel which fails to complete the job. So please, find another outlet for your overzealous creativity.
Eternally grateful,
Adam
P.S. If you even think about putting motion sensors on toilet paper, to ration out single squares, I’ll hunt you down and kill you.
