They completely renovated the main men’s and women’s restrooms at work. This is the men’s room that I use most frequently, as the other facilities are clear across the building from where I sit.

The men’s room that they replaced was a medium-sized, 4 commode facility for multiple users… it had large solid oak double doors and seemed to work acceptably according to most of the men who frequented it. The newly refurbished room, on the other hand, is designed for a single user, and is now only separated from the main hall by a single, medium-density door.

I made my first trip to the new men’s room recently. While using this small enclosed room, I realized that I could overhear a conversation that was taking place in the office across the hall with startling clarity. I suddenly became paranoid that the reverse may also be true.

Apparently, amongst the many enhancements done on the men’s room was an ill-advised improvement of its acoustics.

Immediately worried that every tinkle was audible to the trio of attractive young ladies who shared said office across the hall, I recalled a friend recently telling me that she turned on the water faucet every time she used a restroom outside her own home. I’d never really considered it before, it seems out of character for the conservationist inside of me… but suddenly it seemed a great idea. Alas, the new faucet only works when you move your hands underneath it and occasionally you have to bump it to remind it you’re still there. So using it to cover up personal cacophony simply isn’t possible for those as inflexible as me.

With running water ruled out, perhaps some background music would serve. But I’d feel silly walking down the hall with a stereo on my shoulder like some 80’s street dancer every time nature called. And there aren’t any power outlets in this new bathroom, so I’d have to invest in a number of batteries throughout the year. (Is powering a bathroom radio tax-deductible?)

I suspect my only option for music is to generate it myself, but my singing voice isn’t what it used to be, and I fear that practicing the tuba during these excursions would lack the subtlety I’m looking for and could give off the wrong impression.

Brandy suggested bringing my cell to the bathroom with me and carrying on a loud conversation. I have a personal rule against having phone conversations on the toilet, but Brandy countered that I could pretend. …Perhaps I could masquerade a heated argument: “Oh yeah!? OH YEAH?!!!!! Well here’s what I think of you! …PPPPPBBBPBPBPBPTTTTT!!!!” (wherein I blow a really loud raspberry and seize the opportunity). Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I could only fool people with this routine a couple of times.

I’m out of ideas.

Until I get a workable solution, I’ll be making the long pilgrimage across the building to the far men’s room. Hopefully the ladies won’t notice me dancing and hopping down the hall… Now, I need a way to cover up my sense of urgency… maybe I should bring that stereo.