A Mid-Summer Morning’s Humiliation

OPERATOR:
Poison control hotline, how can I help you?

ME:
Hi—Uhhh—You see, there was this… Um…

OPERATOR:
Sir, please just tell me what happened.

ME:
Well… a package of silica gel was swallowed.

OPERATOR:
You swallowed a package of silica gel?

ME:
Me? Oh —uh— no. No-no-no-no. It was —uh— a close friend of mine. Yeah, a friend.

OPERATOR:
A friend? What is your friend’s name?

ME:
His name? Um, his name is Joe.

OPERATOR:
And what is Joe’s last name?

ME:
Ummmm… His last name is —um— Schmo. That’s S-C-H-M-O

…-E.

OPERATOR:
I see. How did Joe swallow this packet of silica gel?

ME:
Oh, well I—oops, I mean to say “Joe”— takes a prescribed muscle relaxer every evening for his back and it makes him pretty groggy in the mornings. And this morning, he went to take a vitamin, and accidentally popped the “DO NOT EAT” package instead. He thought it tasted odd, and felt wrong, but by that point it was already going down his throat. He looked in the vitamin bottle, and sure enough the package was gone.

OPERATOR:
OK, I see.

ME:
You know, Joe is actually a really intelligent guy. This was totally an innocent accident. It could have happened to anybody, right? I mean, you probably get calls like this all the time; they make those packets the same size as the vitamins.

OPERATOR:

I can’t say that I have.
[mumbles]
…I might have seen it on Jackass…

ME:
What?

OPERATOR:
Hmmm? Nothing.

ME:
So, what should he do? Is it fatal? Should he induce vomiting. Like, shtick hith fingoo dowwwn hith thwoat?

BUHHH, BLEAAACH

OPERATOR:
Sir, sir! “Joe” will be fine! Silica gel is not toxic.

ME:
Ih ithn’t?

OPERATOR:
No, it’s perfectly harmless, or they wouldn’t put it in with products that are intended for consumption.

ME:
But it says “Do Not Eat” all over it.

OPERATOR:
It’s just a choking hazard.

ME:
Oh, thank God! I’M GOING TO LIVE!!!!

OPERATOR:
And what is YOUR name, sir?

…

Note: this conversation has been slightly altered for entertainment purposes. I wish I could say that my having unwittingly swallowed a package of silica gel in lieu of my daily multiple was one such embellishment. Alas.

11 comments

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July 13, 2008 at 7:50 pm

romi41

HAHAHAHA…I can honestly say that I have never heard of this happening to anyone…I hope JOE is feeling better now…lol

PS: are these silica gel packs the same ones that are found in purses and clothing pockets etc? (hopefully that wasn’t too stupid a question to ask, but in another way maybe my comment takes the heat off you, hahaha )

July 13, 2008 at 8:11 pm

jonathan

that person might have constipation.. lol

July 14, 2008 at 10:42 am

Allison

You mean I’ve been depriving my child of these packets for nothing?

July 14, 2008 at 4:24 pm

Adam

Romi - I’m so glad you asked! As it turns out, I’ve learned quite a bit about silica gel these past couple days… what with my scouring the internet to see how frequently people accidentally consume these (apparently no one ever does, goddamnit)

…Anyway… to answer your question, they’re almost the same. The little “DO NOT EAT” packages (called “desiccants” ) in purses, shoes, etc. sometimes includes other chemicals which are not safe for consumption; so if you’re hoping to eat some, I’d stick with the food-grade packets.

Jonathan - OK, you’ve officially freaked me out. I’ve got to thinking about it, and —ummmm… how do you put this? …well… let’s just say— I haven’t had occasion to “test your theory” since consuming the packet. I’m imagining that little salt-packet sized desiccant now sitting in my digestive system, swollen to the size of a baguette. I’m concerned.

Allison - Yep, perfectly edible; though you might want to cut it up into bite-sized pieces before serving it.

July 14, 2008 at 9:29 pm

Nimish Batra

Maybe you should quit while you’re ahead, ya know?

Me? I just came BACK from the hospital ‘after’ food poisoning. Ain’t life grand?

July 16, 2008 at 7:01 am

Brandy

I’m STILL giggling about the hesitation on the ‘e’. Hee hee! Seriously friend, I thought it was pretty funny back when I assumed you had swallowed one of these: http://www.emsdiasum.com/microscopy/products/equipment/images2/71205.jpg
But knowing it was one of those little salt packet goodies is very entertaining indeed!

July 16, 2008 at 1:23 pm

Moonbeam McQueen

Oh my god Joe— I mean Adam! What an awful accident, but the way you described it is hilarious! The benefit of this is that you’re now super absorbent. I’m just glad it wasn’t the cotton ball at the top of the bottle.

July 16, 2008 at 3:26 pm

Jill

Haha… came across this while searching for a funny silica gel story. Glad to hear they’re non-toxic… now I can eat to my heart’s content.

Check out something else you can use the packets for at blog.squaretrade.com.

July 16, 2008 at 5:29 pm

Nimish - You’re still smiling after a “real” poisoning. Your great humor is inspiring!

Brandy - Just for the record, I didn’t swallow one of those old-fashioned square packets. The little envelope I swallowed looked more like this.
…I’ll show you one, the next time I buy a bottle of vitamins.

Moonbeam - Some super-heros are born with their powers, while other have to get bitten by a radioactive insect or fall into a vat of toxic waste. I got mine by unintentionally swallowing non-consumables. Not exactly the most dignified method, but hell… in that desperate hour, when you need someone to get the moisture out of your brand-new shoes: who are you gonna call? That’s right! Me! [♫ ba ba BAAAA ♫] Extended Shelf-Life Man!!!

Jill - Welcome! I’m so happy my misfortune was able to educate you. I’m certain that silica gel will become the next great delicacy. (Move over truffles!)