A couple of my friends are very gracious with their flattery toward me. A little too generous, in fact. I’d think they were trying to butter me up, but they know I have nothing to offer. I have to assume, then, that they simply want me to feel good about myself, as implausible a goal as that may seem.

A little while back, they got into a heated debate about which celebrity I resembled most: John Cusack or Noah Wyle. I rolled my eyes & ignored it for as long as I could, but when each began posting my photo all over the internet, along with a thesis explaining why their star of choice was the better likeness and demanding a vote, I had to intervene. I didn’t want that many people thinking about me.

Unfortunately, if I simply stormed in and demanded they yank the photos off the web, I would have reveal my insecurity to all who had already seen the debate. I needed to tread tactfully & carefully. So, I attempted to head the vote off at the pass by petitioning a higher authority. Unfortunately, though you wouldn’t think it, both John Cusack & Noah Wyle are extremely difficult to get on the phone, and even more difficult to schedule a lunch with.

While looking for another arbitrator, I stumbled upon the MyHeritage.com celebrity look-alike engine. This was perfect! The logic based facial-recognition software would provide a completely impartial appraisal. I could call the election off without having to exert any petulance.

Acting quickly, I uploaded a photo of mine, and within moments, received a list of 9 famous faces which the engine deemed most resembled me. Oddly though, neither Cusack nor Wyle appeared on the list.  My top match, according to the program, was Nicholas Brendon, with whom I’m not familiar. Nevertheless, while I don’t get a sensation of looking in the mirror, he’s a perfectly acceptable dopelgänger.

Next on the list was Matthew Fox. Cool.

Then came David Beckham. OK.

Not bad, right?  But before you run off to their website, looking for a confidence boost, you should know that things went downhill from here…

As it turns out, I also bear a resemblance to:

Frances McDormand!

…ummmmm…

Edvard Greig!

Isn’t this Einstein?

Jewel!

…what?

Frere Roger!

Dormez-vous?

Cecil Rhodes!

I have no idea who this is.

…and, from what may take years of psychiatric care to recover…

Herbert Spencer!!!!!

Didn’t he play in Planet of the Apes?

Now, I’m sure an optimist would look at these photos and say: “Matthew Fox? David Beckham? That’s great!”, but I’m prepared to drop kick these people and pummel them, screaming: “Frere Roger?! Herbert-Fucking-Spencer?!?!?”

All this happened several months ago, but there are still nights that I wake up, drenched in sweat, clasping at my jawline, and trying to shift the phantom sideburns to the top of my head.

I made an attempt at indignation to these results—after all, they have a pretty low fucking bar for “celebrities”—unfortunately, this didn’t take the edge off the sting I’d received, so I turned to discrediting the system.  I just don’t buy that Frere Roger resembles Jewel in any way, so how could I look like the both of them?  Nevertheless, I don’t really think John Cusack & Noah Wyle look alike either, but people I trust are very convinced that I resemble them.  Am I really the common denominator that ties all these faces together?  I worry now that my life might be in danger if these celebrities discover that they’re a mere 2 degrees of separation from Herbert Spencer.

Next, I tried tricking the program. I uploaded a photo of Noah Wyle, but it immediately found that the closest matching celebrity was Noah Wyle.  Damnit!

Finally, I uploaded some different pictures of myself and the program found a wide variety of matches including…

The last 4 sessions at last provided some of the relief that I was looking for. After all, if I honestly resemble Mary Kate, wouldn’t I also look like Ashley?  And seriously, if I had a likeness to Jennifer Connolly, I’d totally notice.

Besides, it stands to reason that if I look like a group of actors in one photo, that at least one of the other photographs I tried should bring up some of the same actors. But only one celebrity appeared as a match in more than one of my pictures: Cecil Rhodes appeared as a match in 2 different photographs. I’m a bit nonplussed by this, but I’ll take him over Lamb-chops any day of the week.